I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Catercrombie & Fish
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too