I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
You Might Also Like
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
my favorite genre of twitter
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.