“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep