I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Officers asking me why I鈥檓 speeding like they don鈥檛 know people fast during Lent.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It鈥檚 like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 馃檪
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
There鈥檚 no need to use military time with me. I鈥檓 pretty sure I won鈥檛 show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.