A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.