Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Meowchelangelo
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.