Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??