Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Cause of death: Zumba
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”