@pleatedjeans: I'll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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@SuperTeeWhy: Ouija board just told me it's still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die
@NYC_Blonde: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next
@amazymay72x: My 12yo son's protip: Buy larger sized clothes and you'll look like you lost weight. You're welcome.
@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache? FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised