I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much