I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.