Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm