i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
s
oc
i
a
l
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job