i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.