Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
You Might Also Like
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Happy weekend !
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Meow
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
time machine? you mean a clock?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet