“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?