@DBStoner: I'll never get picked for jury duty because I'd be the one on trial.....
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@MartinPilgrim1: A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she'd just gone to the toilet and now she's back and she hates me.
@david8hughes: [skydiving with my dog] Me: ur ears r inside out My dog: can't hear u my ears r inside out Me: it's the wind My dog: I think it's the wind
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist