I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
You Might Also Like
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Swedish for common sense.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?