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@Fickle_Filly: I'll never reveal my secrets.
@Kyle1092: There's a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I'm calling the cops.
@Parker_Simpson: Hey guys keep up the "Bush did 9/11" tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears
@darkmatter_wimp: *dims the lights so you look like your selfies*
@abhorrent_wife: Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
@ArfMeasures: [being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on