I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Favourite diary entry ever
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!