Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”