@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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@hazelmotes1: My wife is all, "we love each other so much we finish each other's sentences," until it comes to a prison sentence.
@BeardedSteel: *stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker's office *sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting *retracts
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.