@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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@Parentpains: Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.
@withanewname: "SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?" -- "SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!" -- "SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?" -- Wife: "She's either deaf, or had sex with you too."
@PrettyInCamo11: You know it's time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one