I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.