I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made