“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?