“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
🌱🌱🌱
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”