I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*