I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
beware of dog
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.