I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
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Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.