I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S