I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You Might Also Like
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Good morning!
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.