I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
The three genders.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
do u think theres a butter planet?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.