I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*