I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
How it started: How it’s going:
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
X-tra spooky blend
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*