I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
You can’t outrun your problems…
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”