“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You Might Also Like
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
man: wait
time: no
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
i wish i could marry a nap
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.