“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.