Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous