@Leggalicious: "I'll sleep when I die" - person who doesn't really understand sleeping or dying.
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@Toofpick78: Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right. Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children's party.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [interviewing Matt Damon] Matt: Well, in this movie I play- Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
@HenpeckedHal: Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.