“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.