My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
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Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Same pineapple, same
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The USS B port
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
socratic questions
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.