Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that