@superdadatron: I'll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
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@just1fool: My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.
@Alex_LaVallee: Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.