Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral