@TheMichaelRock: I'll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.
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@FilthyMacrame: I'm a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
@thatUPSdude: Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
@Douchekevin: SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren't home...
@XplodingUnicorn: I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.