Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Boy never ceases to amaze me
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
incredible