I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I will never stop laughing at this
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??