@CulturedRuffian: I'll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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@kentgrossarth: Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick? Me: Nope, you're the first one. Gf: What? Me: What?
@Sickayduh: When life tosses me a football, I'm the ref who's not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face
@PariCalvia: That moment when you leave a store but don't buy anything, and you're telling yourself, "act natural, you're innocent."
@CulturedRuffian: What do you mean my cats can't be dependents on my taxes?! I feed them, clothe them, & care for them! CPA: You clothe them? Shut it hater.