I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler