@CarolinaSong: I'll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I'm trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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@wendyraepearce: I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He's going to pay for that later.
@Book_Krazy: Boss: Did you take Mike's stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later? Me: WHAT!?! Noooo....wait, did he say yes?
@ChaseMit: America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.