I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
These are my roll models.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more