I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Hero horse inspires millions
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup