velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol