Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
this is literally a CIA plant
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.