i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
You Might Also Like
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
lmfao
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
what the
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.